Monday, 10 October 2011

No regrets...?

They say you should go to your grave with no regrets, but in reality I don't believe that it is possible, for anyone.

8 years ago today, my life was irreversibly changed.  To the very core I would never be the same again.  Dealing with loss is a painful and complicated business, but it does tend to get easier with time.  Dealing with regret is another predicament altogether.  It's something I've struggled with to varying degrees over the years.

         'Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that are inconsolable'
                        Sydney Smith  

My biggest true regret is indeed something I did not do.   
8 years ago, I swore I would never make the same mistake again, that I would not feel frightened to take action that might cause me embarrassment or pain, because in the end, my hesitation hurt all the more.
Maybe that's why I have moved from place to place, and from job to job, so as not to miss out on an opportunity.  Or maybe I have just been wandering aimlessly, waiting for the world to make sense again.
I think Tolkien personifies my sentiments best:

              'How do you pick up the threads of an old life?  How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back?  There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold'
                                                      JRRT: The Return of the King

This year I learned that regret CAN come from things we do and that these can also be inconsolable.  I was once again broken and changed, my intuition was once again right, and I once again failed to listen.  In some such way, it seems harder to accept a mistake when you've made it twice.

However, I have managed to find a silver lining.  I can travel at long last!  It's something I've waited years to do.  The time was never right; I never had enough money; I had no-one to share it with.  I should have lived the dream a long time ago.  But here is one regret I can remedy!

If I'm honest, if I had a choice of life right now, I'd choose the fairy-tale ending, where I'm swept off my feet by my handsome prince to live a life happily-ever-after in our white-picket fenced cottage by the sea, with our beautiful children and our crazy dogs.  But it's not a choice I have.  So instead of waiting for the fairy-tale to happen to me, I am choosing to create my own magic and adventure in the hope that it leads me to the happy ending I desire.  And if not, then so be it.  I'm going to enjoy every minute of the journey

And so starts another epoch.  The 3rd age of Fi.  And I am hopeful that this aeon will be the one where the sun truly shines after the rain.